Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
