I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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