im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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