i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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