Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
