I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
