This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
