While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
