Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
