The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
