I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
