I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
