Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
