we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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