I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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