Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Boobs speak an international language.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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