I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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