Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
