She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
