I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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