I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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