If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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