Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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