i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
