I faked an abortion last night.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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