In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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