PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
