He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
