soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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