I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
