Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
