As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
