im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
