life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
