i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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