He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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