you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
