when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
