If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
