you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
