oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
