You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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