Already got asked if we're dating
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
