You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
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he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
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My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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