he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
