it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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