Why are handjobs necessary in class?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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