I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
