is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
