I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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