the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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