we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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