The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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