Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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