I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
