He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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